Thursday, July 20, 2006


My first Post

The title for this blog comes from an episode from my favourite TV series Sex and the City.

In this epsiode from season 4, the girls discuss getting pregnant after Miracda reveals she is expecting a baby after sympathy sex with her ex Steve. (He has one ball, she a lazy ovary!). Charlotte can't get pregnant and Carrie and Samantha reveal that they have had abortions.

The episode cuts deep for me. I had an abortion when I was 23 and I deeply regret it. Seven years on (I'm nearly 30) I've worked through a lot of it now and have kind of forgiven myself but it is something I will always feel very, very sad about. I had a baby girl 10 weeks ago and whilst that has healed me greatly, seeing how amazing she is does remind me of what could have been.

I'm loving being at home with the baby but I am going a bit stir crazy. I have been sober in AA for six years and while I am pretty secure in my recovery, I haven't been able to get to meetings and I have been thinking of how lovely it would be to have a drink. My husband is great and very encouraging but to be quite honest, me being an alkie doesn't impact on him. I am at that weird and dangerous mind set that they talk about in 'the rooms' where I feel really normal, almost like I never had a horrendous drinking history.

With all good addicts, we switch addictions so despite the fact I haven't had a drink for so long, I have come to the crushing realisation that I have swapped to compulsive eating, shopping and hair pulling.

I sould like a mess! On the surface I am a pretty together kind of gal but hey, looks can be deceiving.

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